Thursday, March 25, 2010

'Iberian Peninsula' by R.L.Stine

This a picture from some old issue of GQ, and I think it (nearly) perfectly illustrates what I'd want in a room. A bit cluttered, full of pictures and knick-knacks and books and records...I also imagine the area Dennis Quaid is facing (where the light is coming from) as a few different ideal vantage points:

1. The Beach, obvious yet beautiful, maybe Hawaii or California (west coast for sure) but I'd always be nervous of a flood and possible damage to my awesome room.

2. Some kind of mountain range, preferably snow capped, maybe nestled in a Swiss province.

3. A glorious vista, the ideal location here is the Champagne region of France, vines as far as the eye can see and maybe a kindly groundskeeper named Jean or Luc or Jean-Luc.

4. High atop a cliff overlooking a bustling port city in either the Greek islands or Portugal.

I have specific desires and I've been kind of obsessed with that picture since the day I first saw it. This also made me think of something I mentioned in my post from yesterday, the Secret Bookstore.

Saturday afternoon I went walking through Princeton, as I tend to do every couple weeks, but this time I was searching for something. I wanted to find a store that spoke to me that could be a new destination for my frequent visits. I walked along Nassau for a while and came right up to the end of the business district when I saw a table full of books and a sign that read...

I've also always loved stores you had to take a staircase to get to, either upstairs or down, it adds to the secrecy of it all. This place is/was small as hell, two rooms, tons of books, and a couch? Excellent. Room 1 was pretty good, non-fiction, historical, biography, the cheap rack...but what awaited me in room 2? Mr. Stine. A whole shelf of my main man R.L., Goosebumps and Fear Street primarily. Needless to say I had all the Goosebumps they had (and I don't collect the 'Give yourself...' or '2000' series') but I was able to pick up nine Fear Streets. Maybe not a big deal to some, but for me it was like Christmas in March. Although this store is right on the main street of Princeton it does seem to be kind of a secret, there were only 2 other shoppers the entire 30 or 40 minutes I was there, and I don't remember them buying anything. In addition to the teen novellas I picked up a book on the stories behind all of Lou Reed lyrics (score) and a book on one of my favorite peoples called simply 'The French'. I just tried to find a picture, but it's a lost cause. That book was 40 cents. And if they ever bring the price down on that Tom Ford retrospective, I'll buy that one too. See you next time Glen Echo.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

EGG YELLOWS plus more!

I just watched all 8 episodes of "Between Two Ferns" on Funny or Die. Zach Galifianakis is brilliant.

Today I listened to an old mixtape that I made right when I started this job. When I listened to it back in '07 I was doing pretty much the same job I'm doing now, I was filling in for a then pregnant lady, and since then I have taken over her job, as well as continuing my 'Driver' duties. This made me feel...stagnant...if you like. Of course, whenever I begin to talk about 'needing to make a change' it's all talk, so maybe if I don't talk about know what I'm saying.

I have a huge band aid on my right ring finger, the blood is bleeding through.

I am growing dissatisfied with Facebook.

I almost purchased this book at a secret bookstore this weekend, I wish I had.

That is all for now.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Tales of a 3rd Base Nothing

The spring-ification of the weather lately has made me think of all the glorious things that come along with the glorious months before the utterly unglorious (or is that 'inglorious'?) summer comes along. Spring means shorts and iced drinks in the park, and summer means hideous temperatures and oddly shaved dogs. Spring also means baseball starts back up again and this time of year I can't be outside or see the sun shining without thinking about my days on 'the diamond'.

I have a terrible frame of reference for when I played little league, I started in elementary school and stopped in, I think 8th grade, because in high school it gets much more serious...and I was anything but serious back then. So let's say I played from the ages of 8 or 9 to 14. I think I was first drawn to the game by what I like to call the "Laziness Factor", there's a LOT of standing around in baseball, and perhaps even more sitting around. In my youth I went, rather quickly, from being a cute rambunctious kid to a comically overweight child...thus my family did anything they could to get me out of my room and into the sun. Almost immediately, actually, yes immediately I was plopped in right field (a little league dead zone due to the lack of lefty hitters) where I spent a good amount of time looking at bugs and adjusting my hat and hardly any time paying attention to the game, let alone participating. According to my dad the very first time I caught a fly ball in the outfield, which I remember was at the Sunnymead Elementary field, I had my eyes closed. I was also a lousy hitter, the total package to my fellow Rangers.

As time went on and I went to summer baseball day camps and played catch with my dad I got better and became more interested in the game. I also got fatter, what? How was this happening? Well, since I was completely interested in girls since at least 1st grade, and having no luck even back then, I guess I had already started to "eat my feelings"...not to mention cheeseburgers! But seriously folks. When you really invest yourself in baseball it's not hard to really get in to it, and after the second year, as a tween, I did.

My proudest moment was with the Tigers I believe, pitching relief in extra innings with a lead, all I needed was three outs and I would be A HERO! I went up there pitching sidearm, what a douche. Like any kid knows how to throw sidearm, but we were all jerks, it's impossible not to be kind of a dick when your that age. I got the first two outs on a pop-up and some kid's base running mistake, and when I struck out the last kid I lost it. I was SO happy, it's crazy how much something like that can effect you when there's not much else going on in your life. I kept the ball for years, it was orange with sand and dirt, my prize possession of childhood triumph.

As the years went by I got better at fielding, possibly worse at hitting, and larger in general. Please don't think that the irony was lost on me, an obese 14 year old with asthma wearing a skintight shirt that said "Athletics". When I was playing in 8th grade I remember my friend Dana brought a friend that she thought would like me to one of my games. I don't even think I asked for this possible matchmaking session, but I was stoked. I have a fuzzy memory of the girl, but I seem to remember she looked like Velma from Scooby Doo, so I thought she was a total fox. I was playing left field at this point, I preferred 3rd base, but hey, there's no 'I' in 3rd base...unless you spell it out, then there's one. So Dana and Velma are sitting in the metal rows of seats behind the dugouts and there's a hit to left-center. Oh man, it was quite a shot, it's sailing back...but what's this? The left fielder has a beat on it, he might make it...yes! A stupendous jumping catch deep in left-center! First of all, it was less of a Sportscenter highlight and more of a Swan Lake audition. Arms and legs splayed trying to look as dramatic as possible, but I did catch it. After I threw it in to the shortstop the center fielder said to me, "Hey man, nice catch!" to which I replied "There's a girl watching me!"

Let me stop right here and address a question that I can only assume you have. "Aren't you embarrassed to be sharing this with anyone who may feel like reading it?" Yes, 100%. It's very embarrassing stuff, but I think it's worth it for two reasons: A. It's also hilarious and B. I feel like we've all been through this kind of stuff. I can't imagine that there may be someone reading this who can't relate to acting like a total dork when they were a kid. So it's kind of a jumping off point to make anyone think about their youth and laugh at themselves if they can relate to all this.

Me and Velma didn't get together, the fact that I don't remember her name was a clue I guess. I can honestly say that my baseball career yielded NO romantic opportunities, for some reason the girls that hung around had no interest in an 800lb freckled kid loudly arguing balls and strikes.

There are two final points that tipped me off that was not suited for high school baseball; every kid wanted to be on the Yankees, every year kids hoped to be picked to be on the Yankees. It was everyone's favorite team and they were usually always good somehow, I smell a rat, but that's a whole other story. I, however, always wanted to be on the Blue Jays. Reason? The uniforms. Dark navy, powder blue and white. Classic and stylish. The Yankees uniforms were okay, dark almost blackish blue and white...and maybe gray if you were lucky. This urge should have signaled to anyone paying attention that I was not quite as serious as some of the other kids. Also, I often had no interest in the game as it was happening. I was pumped up as the game was coming along, I checked the schedule and talked to my friends about who we were playing, but on game day (or night) I was in my own little world, especially in the dugout. I can remember one conversation I had with another less-than-enthralled ballplayer. We sat near the on-deck area and had a discussion about time. Time???? Yes, he informed me that since humans invented time that it doesn't really exist and therefore neither does age or all this other stuff. To this point I was not such a deep thinker, I only thought philosophically when they brought it up on the Golden Girls. So me and this kid are talking about time and space and questioning our existence...I just remember not wanting to hit a ball after that. Luckily I probably couldn't have if I tried.

So that's my springtime baseball nostalgia-thon. I hope you could see a little of your own childhood in it. As a side note, I think we all know the real reason that I didn't play baseball in high school, baseball isn't punk.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


1. Eating most veggies
2. Braggy people
3. That dude from the 'free credit' commercials who sings
4. Having a popcorn kernel stuck in yr teeth for a long time, but i don't eat popcorn anymore really
5. That show 'The Middle'

1. Ladies (romantically speaking)
2. The ongoing Hollywood remake fest
3. Chinese
4. How Lasik eye surgery works
5. Babies, when they talk

1. Wolverine bobble-head
2. Cell phone
3. X-ray badge
4. Regular phone
5. Water in a cup

1. Being 'on lunch'
2. Listening to Ian Mackaye singing
3. Checking Facebook
4. Looking at my Goosebumps desktop
5. Wishing for spring

1. I can be lazy
2. I am physically unable to ask out girls
3. I have a blog
4. I don't write as often as I should
5. I still have a Christmas card hanging on the wall in front of me

1. People say I'm funny
2. I am physically unable to ask out girls
3. I have all 62 books in the original Goosebumps series
4. I love my friends
5. I don't watch reality tv

1. Find treasure
2. Go to the Great Wall of China and walk up to a stranger and say, "It's not that great"
3. Walk on Saturn
4. Join a softball league in my 40's
5. Fondly reminisce

1. Ride a horse (I'm assuming)
2. Ride a bike (for real)
3. Say or write the word 'tweet' in respect to Twitter
4. Drive 55...that was my favorite video when I was like 8
5. Afford, or justify spending the money, on all the dvd boxed sets of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark'

1. 'Teenage Super Party' by Wavves
2. 'Cast Off Crown' by Deerhoof
3. 'Trouble Comes Running' by Spoon
4. 'Lottery Dust' by Drummer
5. 'Temecula Sunrise' by Dirty Projectors

1. Large features: lips, eyes, and of course brain (yeah, you heard it! I like a smart woman)
2. Good taste in music and comedy
3. Speech impediments
4. Genuinely nice
5. Mindblowingly gorgeous

1. Anyone on Twitter than I wish would write more and doesn't
2. Leno, now and forever
3. One or two of my co-workers
4. My glasses, they're always dusty...I can't think of any more people
5. Cyclops, I've always disliked him

Friday, March 5, 2010

Anything You Want: Songs for Girls

That's right! International Singing Sensation Biff Wellington has finally brought his gift to the USA with…
“Anything You Want: Songs for Girls”
His most personal and romantic album yet!

Featuring the hits:

‘We Shall Ride My Scooter To Our Wedding’
'Broken English, Broken Heart'
‘I Bought You Many Gifts Because You Are Beautiful’
'I Am Going To Song On You'
'I Respect You For Your Mind Also’
and the stunning duet 'Romance Farm' featuring American songstress and glamourpuss Joeronica Spots!

Some early reviews of "Anything You Want":

'Sometimes I can understand his weird accent!' -Jazzy Times

'More like BEEF Wellington!' -Obvious Terrible Joke Press

'I doubt girls will enjoy these songs' -Ladies Music Pamphlet

'I've never heard of Joeronica Spots, that sounds made up' -Harry's Sound House

'3 out of 5 Ukraines!' -The Weekly Monthly

This exclusive collection is going FAST, so act now! Not for sale on Earth, or anywhere else.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


'Absolutely Cuckoo' by The Magnetic Fields, a high school classic that I inexplicably started singing today.

Don't fall in love with me yet
We only recently met
True I'm in love with you but
You might decide I'm a nut
Give me a week or two to
Go absolutely cuckoo
Then when you see your error
Then you can flee in terror
Like everybody else does
I only tell you this cause
I'm easy to get rid of
But not if you fall in love
And now that I'm on the make
And if you make a mistake
My heart'll certainly break
I'll have to jump in a lake
And all my friends will blame you
There's no telling what they'll do
It's only fair to tell you
I'm absolutely cuckoo.

It's only fair to tell you
I'm absolutely cuckoo.

That's as much as I remember it, worked wonders in high school. I miss The Magnetic Fields, if I wanted to be dramatic I could say this song mirrors my life right now, but I have no interest in being dramatic.

Monday, March 1, 2010

She's a Bad MammaJamma and other Jams

That's right! Cyndy Saltt and The Saltt Shakerzz are back with their 4th full length recording featuring the hits:

"Summer Knees (Feel the Breeze)"
"Let's Have Some Lunch"
"I'm So Special"
"Night Lust (for Steve)"
and a truly awful rendition of Otis Redding's "That's How Strong My Love Is"

Take a look at some early reviews:

'Cyndy Saltt has once again recorded a record.' -The Saskatchewan Bugle

'I tried to listen to it a couple of times' -MusicBeat Gazette

'The Saltt Shakerzz really add some FLAVOR!' -Pun Weekly

'4 out of 5 Thumbs Down!' -Tunebag Magazine

'Joyless' -BeatMusic Gazette

Get with it and get yours today! Not available for sale.