Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I've been feeling nostalgic lately, nothing new there, but these are a few things I saw today that I wanted to mention.

I may have never read these books, and if I did I don't remember, but aren't the covers amazing? On 'Missing' it looks like the girl is dancing and the guy was lifted right out of the 'Take On Me' video. I may be crazy but I have a feeling that the New Girl's secret is that she's a ghost. It's a just a hunch, but no one walks down that creepy street unless they're some kind of spirit, and she's kind of glowing ghost. If I found these books at a thrift store I would fight babies to get them. That's not true, but I would be bummed if the babies beat me to them.

I have vivid memories of sitting in the backseat of my aunt's car reading 'Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark' and being...riveted is the only word that comes to mind. I know I'm not alone in thinking these are some of the creepiest images ever, at least in kids books. I don't really even remember the stories, they were secondary to the pictures. I feel like a lot of them were actually like, jokes or 'gotcha' gags. Like the Viper is coming to "vipe your vindows" and the Mexican dog that turned out to be a rat. The pictures always seemed so much more dark and disturbing than anything written. I noticed a bound edition of the series a while back and I didn't get it. Way to go.

This picture is the personification of why it sucks to get old. We've had a snow-a-palooza recently and apparently there's another on the way. This picture is not about shoveling or traffic or being cranky in the cold or missing out on plans...when you're young snow IS the plans. You spend the whole day making forts and throwing snowballs and then you go inside and have hot chocolate (or maybe in my case, hot Ovaltine), watch cartoons and fall asleep until you wake up and do it all over again.

Friday, February 19, 2010


I received this survey, apparently titled "DEEP QUESTIONS", who could pass that up?

1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Due to my crippling fear of rejection it's a thousand times easier to hear someone else's feelings. You can just let them talk and you have time to formulate a quality answer.

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
Umm, I think it was last night at Borders because I wanted a new CD and all they had was crap.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
My mom. Way to bum me out, survey.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
Is that a choice? Do OR wish? Or is that just one all encompassing question? Well, either way, I've always WISHED for the ability to become invisible, so I would like to DO that.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love:
It depends who it's with, with say...Jon Lovitz? I don't need him to love me, so I'd rather trust him. If it was...Trudy Campbell or Rachel Weisz, or Gigi? I may want love in that case.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you're fired. Do you save the dog?
Let me just say I have a rad job in this scenario. I get to walk to work and I pass a lovely canal? I do feel a personal connection to this question, I am frequently tardy to work. However! I would rescue the dog (as long it wasn't all crazy, dogs in distress can get pretty nutty). Even if I was late for work I could just call the newspaper, tell them my story and then my job would be crazy to fire the awesome dude who rescued the dog. It's a PR bonanza.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
I haven't and I don't think I would...that's too soap opera-y for me. Maybe my evil twin would.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
What is up with these macabre questions...we go from a lovely, perfectly normal query about a drowning dog to this bit of cruelty? I believe the last person I knew who died was my Grandpa and he wouldn't want me to say yes.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
So totally. I'm a cool dude, likes music, fun at parties, rarely sick, I have all of the original series of Goosebumps books, what's not to love?

10. Does sex=love?
No. Sex < love.

11. Are you old fashioned?
Kind of, I prefer olde tymey things. I like wood paneling, 50's and 60's design and architecture...but the real question here is "are you modern" and to that I give a big old NO. So I must be old fashioned.

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
Woah, survey, you just blew my mind. What a ponderance. I think so, but boy would she have to be able to make one heck of a grilled cheese sandwich!

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
That I don't. I imagine if I'm preparing to tell someone I love them I'm pretty certain on the love reciprocation. If someone said it to me and I was unprepared for it that could be awkward.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
Either music or laughter. Those tend to be the two things that get me through the day.

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
I'm assuming that by putting "Romantic love" at the beginning of the sentence that that's what yr referring to...but there are clearer ways to say that, survey. Umm, I've been off romantic love for quite some time now. Let's see, how about early '09.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
No regrets? That ain't me sister. I can only change one thing? Let's pick a little one...I would have been more careful stabbing that lump of clay in 2nd grade, then I wouldn't have accidentally stabbed my thumb with a pencil. Who knows what learning experiences I missed in the nurses office.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
Who cares if it's raining? I'd want either Wolverine, or Don Draper, or a beautiful lady so I could be all "Hey, get away from my window!" and she'd be smitten.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Homeless Jon Lovitz? No. Homeless Trudy Campbell or Rachel Weisz, or Gigi? Yes.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
This is the BEST question ever. SO ridiculous. Let's begin with the fact that I only had one Grandma my whole life and she has already passed away. If you mean I'm holding her hand when she was still alive, well, she wasn't like some giant lady...and how much does a newborn weigh? Like 8lbs? I think I could handle them both. And why can't I swing the baby to my Grandma and then pull them both up? And why don't I know this baby!? Who is this baby and why is it playing near a cliff with my Grandma???? Wow.

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
What? One question ago.

If You had three months to live:

21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
I'd tell everyone, why not, get in some partying and then go meet up with the spirit in the sky.

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
I'd go back to eating fast food, for one. Then I'd tell everyone I like how much I like them and I wouldn't bother with anyone else. I'd rent a sweet car and have a road trip...I like that I'm making it seem like there's nothing wrong with me. If I had 3 months to live I'd probably be pretty sick right? Not in my world! Party time.

23. Would you be afraid?
Of course, you ask dumb questions, survey.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


I recently found out that "modern haikus" don't have to be 5-7-5...I prefer the classics. Here are a few the ol' fashioned way.

Why so many sides to you?
Geometric friend

I used to go to
Bed very late, now only

Gender politics
Ladies are a mystery
Confidence lacking

Beware, The Snowman
And The Girl Who Cried Monster
Are great Goosebumps books

Friday, February 12, 2010


Since it's Valentine's Day this weekend I've been thinking about the 'L', not Showtime's popular series about lesbians...I'm talkin' 'bout "Love". Since this will also be the first V. Day in 5 years I spend alone I started thinking about my all time archetypal girlfriend list...because sometimes it's just better to have a pretend girlfriend...or at least easier. So here's a short list of the very best in theoretical girlfriends:

Gigi from 'He's Just Not That Into You' - Easily number one on my list, Gigi is super goofy, super cute, kind of pathetic in a dignified way (i.e. staying home alone on weekends watching 80's movies), and searching for the love of her life. She's the hopeless romantic's hopeless romantic, especially since she's pretend.

Liz Lemon from '30 Rock' - It was impossible for me not to fall for Liz Lemon; hilarious, weird, smart, awkward and effortlessly beautiful. I've also always loved the name Liz, and lemons are my favorite fruit. How serendipitous.

Kelly Kapowski from 'Saved By the Bell' - Since I spent my formative years in the late 80's and early 90's, SBTB taught me about the trials and tribulations of love. Kelly is the popular girl with a heart of gold, she's sweet and enthusiastic and kind...more than I can say for that materialistic Lisa and that insufferable Jessie.

Queenie from John Updike's 'A&P' - My all time favorite short story features one of my all time favorite girls. Queenie is detached, cool, and completely uninterested in you...which makes her perfect for the needlessly self-sacrificing, self-loathing guy in us all.

The girl in 'Supermarket Fantasy' by Screeching Weasel - These guys wrote the punk rock book on unrequited love and I've always wanted to meet a girl at a supermarket. It almost happened once, we were browsing near the organic cheese, but she was too cute not to be buying that cheese for someone else.

Mrs. Baerly from 'Arrested Development' - The only girl on the second greatest TV show ever who both Michael and Geroge Michael fell for. A gorgeous ethics teacher with an unnatural love of Saddam Hussein who doesn't mind climbing a staircar to sneak into the model home, and both Bluth boys blew it.

The person in 'Center of Gravity' by Yo La Tengo - This song isn't necessarily about a girl, it's about the feeling you get from being with someone amazing, so it still counts.

Karen Walker from 'Will and Grace' - First choice for trophy wife. Consistently drunk, foxy and funny, Karen was kind of a modern Suzanne Sugarbaker (Delta Burke on Designing Women), and of course Delta Burke was the girl for me when I was in elementary school. Trudy Campbell from 'Mad Men' also fits this category, but Trudy is brought down by her depressing marriage to Pete.

Audrey Horne from 'Twin Peaks' - From the greatest TV show ever, kind of the quintessential strange girl. Dances by herself to slow reverby jazz, falls in love with Special Agents, and dresses better than anyone ever.

Margaret Yang from 'Rushmore' - Initially rebuked by Max Fischer Margaret is the dedicated and caring gf we all want. She acts in your play, she tries to make you feel better when you're depressed about someone else, and she helps you realize that you should actually like her instead of some weird kindergarten teacher with no sense of humor and bad teeth.

So, there it is...the perfect woman as acted, written and imagined throughout a span of about fifty years ('A&P' is from the 60's, and essentially so is Trudy Campbell). Why is this so hard? It appears all I really want is a brilliant, hilarious girl who's uncommonly gorgeous and eternally devoted. Oops.

PS- Translation: Love is a crazy baby with an attitude.

Monday, February 8, 2010


I was looking at my old online journal and seven years ago today I heard a lady at a library say: "well, i read one of her books everyday, i just started." The lady was referring to Danielle Steel. Haha! I love that. Every day? I hope she has 2,555 (give or take, adjust for leap year) books, or that lady has had to find a new author. Try James Patterson, or that other guy that wears battleship hats. I really do wonder what that lady is reading now, maybe she's moved on to Harlan Ellison or Oscar Wilde. I wish I had the time to read a book every day, I doubt I'd go for DS, but I've got plenty of stuff waiting. Anthony Bourdain, I'll learn of yr kitchen confidentialities soon, and there's a certain Chekov short story I've been meaning to re-read for months now.
I'm jealous of that lady, I guess I could be reading right now, but a lunch hour is barely enough time to finish anything. Maybe I'll forgo my endless repeats of 30 Rock for the written word...but that doesn't sound probable.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


Three new poems to enjoy and dissect...


Whistling tuneless through dry summer lips
Laminated and yellow with morose glamour tips
Fresh phobias and acne to add to the crest
Submissions sound sweet but still feel under dressed


Creative carriers with test pattern eyes
Convinced your kid sister they're really great guys

'A List of People Who Would Probably Like Me if They Knew Me'

Eclipsed by percentages, theories and cheats
I was kid Icarus to your legendary wings
Graphing calculator putting "but"s in the seats
I'm held together by a spool that sings

Wandering tired temperature gauge
Made massive cuts in our intellectual drones
Girls flaunt their nonsense, boys hide their age
Glorious fossils with synthetic bones