QED

I received this survey, apparently titled "DEEP QUESTIONS", who could pass that up?

1. What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Due to my crippling fear of rejection it's a thousand times easier to hear someone else's feelings. You can just let them talk and you have time to formulate a quality answer.

2. Think of the last time you were angry. Why were you angry?
Umm, I think it was last night at Borders because I wanted a new CD and all they had was crap.

3. You will die in three minutes. Last call?
My mom. Way to bum me out, survey.

4. If you could do anything OR wish anything, what would it be?
Is that a choice? Do OR wish? Or is that just one all encompassing question? Well, either way, I've always WISHED for the ability to become invisible, so I would like to DO that.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love:
It depends who it's with, with say...Jon Lovitz? I don't need him to love me, so I'd rather trust him. If it was...Trudy Campbell or Rachel Weisz, or Gigi? I may want love in that case.

6. You are walking to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss told you if you are late one more time you're fired. Do you save the dog?
Let me just say I have a rad job in this scenario. I get to walk to work and I pass a lovely canal? I do feel a personal connection to this question, I am frequently tardy to work. However! I would rescue the dog (as long it wasn't all crazy, dogs in distress can get pretty nutty). Even if I was late for work I could just call the newspaper, tell them my story and then my job would be crazy to fire the awesome dude who rescued the dog. It's a PR bonanza.

7. Would you or have you ever blackmailed someone?
I haven't and I don't think I would...that's too soap opera-y for me. Maybe my evil twin would.

8. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you do it?
What is up with these macabre questions...we go from a lovely, perfectly normal query about a drowning dog to this bit of cruelty? I believe the last person I knew who died was my Grandpa and he wouldn't want me to say yes.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
So totally. I'm a cool dude, likes music, fun at parties, rarely sick, I have all of the original series of Goosebumps books, what's not to love?

10. Does sex=love?
No. Sex < love.

11. Are you old fashioned?
Kind of, I prefer olde tymey things. I like wood paneling, 50's and 60's design and architecture...but the real question here is "are you modern" and to that I give a big old NO. So I must be old fashioned.

12. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex?
Woah, survey, you just blew my mind. What a ponderance. I think so, but boy would she have to be able to make one heck of a grilled cheese sandwich!

13. What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
That I don't. I imagine if I'm preparing to tell someone I love them I'm pretty certain on the love reciprocation. If someone said it to me and I was unprepared for it that could be awkward.

14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
Either music or laughter. Those tend to be the two things that get me through the day.

15. Romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
I'm assuming that by putting "Romantic love" at the beginning of the sentence that that's what yr referring to...but there are clearer ways to say that, survey. Umm, I've been off romantic love for quite some time now. Let's see, how about early '09.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you have "no regrets" what would you change?
No regrets? That ain't me sister. I can only change one thing? Let's pick a little one...I would have been more careful stabbing that lump of clay in 2nd grade, then I wouldn't have accidentally stabbed my thumb with a pencil. Who knows what learning experiences I missed in the nurses office.

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
Who cares if it's raining? I'd want either Wolverine, or Don Draper, or a beautiful lady so I could be all "Hey, get away from my window!" and she'd be smitten.

18. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying?
Homeless Jon Lovitz? No. Homeless Trudy Campbell or Rachel Weisz, or Gigi? Yes.

19. You are holding onto your grandmother's dying hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other which one would it be?
This is the BEST question ever. SO ridiculous. Let's begin with the fact that I only had one Grandma my whole life and she has already passed away. If you mean I'm holding her hand when she was still alive, well, she wasn't like some giant lady...and how much does a newborn weigh? Like 8lbs? I think I could handle them both. And why can't I swing the baby to my Grandma and then pull them both up? And why don't I know this baby!? Who is this baby and why is it playing near a cliff with my Grandma???? Wow.

20. When and how was the last time you told someone how you REALLY feel?
What? One question ago.

If You had three months to live:

21. Do you tell anyone or everyone you are going to die?
I'd tell everyone, why not, get in some partying and then go meet up with the spirit in the sky.

22. What do you do with your remaining days?
I'd go back to eating fast food, for one. Then I'd tell everyone I like how much I like them and I wouldn't bother with anyone else. I'd rent a sweet car and have a road trip...I like that I'm making it seem like there's nothing wrong with me. If I had 3 months to live I'd probably be pretty sick right? Not in my world! Party time.

23. Would you be afraid?
Of course, you ask dumb questions, survey.