Since it's Valentine's Day this weekend I've been thinking about the 'L' word...no, not Showtime's popular series about lesbians...I'm talkin' 'bout "Love". Since this will also be the first V. Day in 5 years I spend alone I started thinking about my all time archetypal girlfriend list...because sometimes it's just better to have a pretend girlfriend...or at least easier. So here's a short list of the very best in theoretical girlfriends:
Gigi from 'He's Just Not That Into You' - Easily number one on my list, Gigi is super goofy, super cute, kind of pathetic in a dignified way (i.e. staying home alone on weekends watching 80's movies), and searching for the love of her life. She's the hopeless romantic's hopeless romantic, especially since she's pretend.
Liz Lemon from '30 Rock' - It was impossible for me not to fall for Liz Lemon; hilarious, weird, smart, awkward and effortlessly beautiful. I've also always loved the name Liz, and lemons are my favorite fruit. How serendipitous.
Kelly Kapowski from 'Saved By the Bell' - Since I spent my formative years in the late 80's and early 90's, SBTB taught me about the trials and tribulations of love. Kelly is the popular girl with a heart of gold, she's sweet and enthusiastic and kind...more than I can say for that materialistic Lisa and that insufferable Jessie.
Queenie from John Updike's 'A&P' - My all time favorite short story features one of my all time favorite girls. Queenie is detached, cool, and completely uninterested in you...which makes her perfect for the needlessly self-sacrificing, self-loathing guy in us all.
The girl in 'Supermarket Fantasy' by Screeching Weasel - These guys wrote the punk rock book on unrequited love and I've always wanted to meet a girl at a supermarket. It almost happened once, we were browsing near the organic cheese, but she was too cute not to be buying that cheese for someone else.
Mrs. Baerly from 'Arrested Development' - The only girl on the second greatest TV show ever who both Michael and Geroge Michael fell for. A gorgeous ethics teacher with an unnatural love of Saddam Hussein who doesn't mind climbing a staircar to sneak into the model home, and both Bluth boys blew it.
The person in 'Center of Gravity' by Yo La Tengo - This song isn't necessarily about a girl, it's about the feeling you get from being with someone amazing, so it still counts.
Karen Walker from 'Will and Grace' - First choice for trophy wife. Consistently drunk, foxy and funny, Karen was kind of a modern Suzanne Sugarbaker (Delta Burke on Designing Women), and of course Delta Burke was the girl for me when I was in elementary school. Trudy Campbell from 'Mad Men' also fits this category, but Trudy is brought down by her depressing marriage to Pete.
Audrey Horne from 'Twin Peaks' - From the greatest TV show ever, kind of the quintessential strange girl. Dances by herself to slow reverby jazz, falls in love with Special Agents, and dresses better than anyone ever.
Margaret Yang from 'Rushmore' - Initially rebuked by Max Fischer Margaret is the dedicated and caring gf we all want. She acts in your play, she tries to make you feel better when you're depressed about someone else, and she helps you realize that you should actually like her instead of some weird kindergarten teacher with no sense of humor and bad teeth.
So, there it is...the perfect woman as acted, written and imagined throughout a span of about fifty years ('A&P' is from the 60's, and essentially so is Trudy Campbell). Why is this so hard? It appears all I really want is a brilliant, hilarious girl who's uncommonly gorgeous and eternally devoted. Oops.
PS- Translation: Love is a crazy baby with an attitude.
Bri-
ReplyDeleteI like your list and I approve of all, except for the one from "He's just not that into you". She's cute and all, but annoying. Maybe if you're a guy that's excusable, because most girls are annoying. Know who I would add to that list? Janet from Three's Company!!
I should make a guy list. Help me with it.
Gigi is not annoying at all, at least from my perspective...I think she's spunky and full of life! Let's see, a list of guys for you? Umm, well first off yr gonna need a muscle man...I'm not saying Fabio, but someone Fabio-esque. Then we round out the list with Terry's brother from Just One of the Guys, Dom DeLuise, Billy Joel, and as a wild card Mr. Greg Kinear. I think that's a good start.
ReplyDeleteWow - your list is pretty close to what I would have selected. Let's get into it one by one:
ReplyDelete1) Musclebound. Although I appreciate Fabio - especially after he got hit in the face by a bird while on a roller coaster- I see him more as a nice guy rather than a potential mate. If I had to select someone with muscles (these types are not my preference), I might have to go with The Rock, as I have mentioned to you before. It may seem like I have the hots for Dwayne Johnson, but I don't really. He's just more likeable than others that I know of (Hulk Hogan, Vin Diesel (who I see appeared in Breakin'!), and John Stamos).
2) Terry's brother from Just One of the Guys: His name is Buddy, thank you. Yes, he is perfect as number 2 on my list. I do like a man who can pull off a sleevless plaid flannel. He knows what he wants and I would like to give it to him.
3) Dom Deluise. It must be fate, because I was checking out bios of the 3 Deluise brothers just two days ago. I am drawn to this family.
4)Billy Joel. I am a fan of his tunes,yes, but I wouldn't want to be his life-partner. If I had to pick someone musical, I would say Langhorne Slim who is pretty darn hot, but only when he sings.
5)Greg Kinear as wild card. I don't think so. Can I pick a different Greg - as in Greg Tolan, as in William Zabka?? We all know he has had nothing but great roles - the perfect 80s jerk.
You've got John Stamos is the muscle-man category? Have you seen him shirtless and I haven't? Greg Kinear was just a brainstormer and I thought about Zabka but I didn't want to double down on Just One of the Guys. I also forgot to put someone on my list, the wonderful Nigella Lawson.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really think John Stamos fit into that category at all. I asked a girl at work if she could name any muscular celebs and she said John Stamos. I thought it was funny so I put it in. I can't think of any musclemen really, can you?
ReplyDeleteOk - if I can't have Zabka, I will take Dudley Moore. I was thinking of Like Father Like Son the other day - what's not to like about this star?
I'm not a lesbian, but even I like Nigella Lawson....