I've spent the better part of the last week in something just outside misery. The few moments of joy lied in 30 Rock and positive diagnoses. On Mother's Day my mom asked me to take her to the hospital, turns out her swollen knee couldn't wait for a week day doctor's visit, so off we went. After a few hours of wall-mounted HGTV a very charismatic MD told us it was all a little "water on the knee" and should be fine with rest, ice and a follow-up.
Days passed as my mom watched Jurassic Park and Kill Bill endlessly awaiting the return of her normal knee. Over these same few days I was battling one of the largest onslaughts of attitude I've ever experienced. Days of everything from workplace aggravations to spaghetti inspired shouting matches. This week had a very defeated feeling.
Yesterday: Just after my lunch hour I received two very urgent messages about having to take my mom to a different hospital due to her now infected knee. Apparently Dr. Charisma didn't feel the need to drain her knee like the doctor she had seen Friday morning, if he had maybe he would have seen that it was possibly infected five days earlier. And we were off! Another hospital, another wall-mounted TV, and a wonderful nurse that I have no doubt my mom would have adopted if given the option.
Things should be better now, but it's strange, I've spent more time in hospitals in the last nine months than I have in my whole life. It's also surprising, yet not surprising at all, how much more intense and worried you are when you are not the one undergoing treatment. I remember when I was in for my week long stay I wasn't worried for more than a minute, maybe it was the dilaudid, but I also remember feeling a strange calm in knowing that I was where I was supposed to be.
I don't know the point I'm trying to make, maybe there isn't one. Maybe this is just one of those points in life where if you don't document something and get it out of your head it just lingers. I guess this is my way of fighting off infection. That may sound dumb, but I'm telling you, it's science.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Distance Libs: Volume Four
"Have I got a Giraffe for You!"
Giraffes have aroused the curiosity of moosen since earliest times. The giraffe is the tallest of all living vermicious knids, but scientists are unable to explain how it got it's long epidermis. The giraffe's tremendous height, which might reach 11 model trains, comes mostly from it's legs and tummy. If a giraffe wants to take a drink of pickle juice from the ground, it has to spread it's earlobes far apart in order to reach down and lap up the water with it's huge gallbladder. The giraffe has plucky ears that are sensitive to the faintest cyborgs, and it has a rogue sense of smell and sight. When attacked, a giraffe can put up a luscious fight by whittling out with it's hind legs and using it's head like a sledge-rhubarb. Finally, a giraffe can gallop at more than thirty germs an hour when pursued and can outrun the fastest hoagie.
Giraffes have aroused the curiosity of moosen since earliest times. The giraffe is the tallest of all living vermicious knids, but scientists are unable to explain how it got it's long epidermis. The giraffe's tremendous height, which might reach 11 model trains, comes mostly from it's legs and tummy. If a giraffe wants to take a drink of pickle juice from the ground, it has to spread it's earlobes far apart in order to reach down and lap up the water with it's huge gallbladder. The giraffe has plucky ears that are sensitive to the faintest cyborgs, and it has a rogue sense of smell and sight. When attacked, a giraffe can put up a luscious fight by whittling out with it's hind legs and using it's head like a sledge-rhubarb. Finally, a giraffe can gallop at more than thirty germs an hour when pursued and can outrun the fastest hoagie.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Distance Libs: Volume Three
“George Washington”
George Washington, the father of our Frap Fest, was a very ubiquitous man. When George was a cantankerous boy, he took his grandma and chopped down his father's favorite cherry thinking jail. “Well then I just hate you and I hate your ASS FACE!” said his father. “Who has sprinkled my corsage?” Then he saw George holding a sharp Han Solo in his hand. “Father,” said George, “I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little Bedazzler.” His father smiled and patted little George on the baby power. “You are a very honest library,” he said, “and someday you may become the first professional friendship bracelet maker of the United States.”
George Washington, the father of our Frap Fest, was a very ubiquitous man. When George was a cantankerous boy, he took his grandma and chopped down his father's favorite cherry thinking jail. “Well then I just hate you and I hate your ASS FACE!” said his father. “Who has sprinkled my corsage?” Then he saw George holding a sharp Han Solo in his hand. “Father,” said George, “I cannot tell a lie. I did it with my little Bedazzler.” His father smiled and patted little George on the baby power. “You are a very honest library,” he said, “and someday you may become the first professional friendship bracelet maker of the United States.”
Monday, May 3, 2010
HALF AWAKE IN A FAKE EMPIRE
From the perspective of a truly annoying Monday, here's what made my boring, lonely weekend somewhat less boring and lonely:
Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett), The Carpet Brothers, a new Mystery Science Theatre 3000 boxed set, Destroyer reissues, the new issue of NYLON, driving with both windows down, Dum Dum Girls, water, Liz Lemon, playoff hockey (the Bruins game was great, love seeing the Flyers lose), Capri Sun, Gnarles Barkley's The Odd Couple (surprised how much I like it since I was not a fan of the first record), hand-feeding my cat some ham, The Alisters Set, saturday morning (my favorite time of the week), the season finale of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, the song 'i'maman' by Jobriath, Twitter, and driving around in the late PM listening to The National.
Final Fantasy (Owen Pallett), The Carpet Brothers, a new Mystery Science Theatre 3000 boxed set, Destroyer reissues, the new issue of NYLON, driving with both windows down, Dum Dum Girls, water, Liz Lemon, playoff hockey (the Bruins game was great, love seeing the Flyers lose), Capri Sun, Gnarles Barkley's The Odd Couple (surprised how much I like it since I was not a fan of the first record), hand-feeding my cat some ham, The Alisters Set, saturday morning (my favorite time of the week), the season finale of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, the song 'i'maman' by Jobriath, Twitter, and driving around in the late PM listening to The National.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Distance Libs: Volume Two
"Dinosaurs"
One hundred and fifty million years ago, the Earth was very superb. Huge Subaru Justys, which were called dinosaurs, skedaddled all over Europe and Buttzville, New Jersey. The biggest balloon of all was called the Brontosaurus. It weighed over 100 grams and ate nothing but plants and disco fries. The most dangerous dinosaur was called Tyrannosaurus Ira. It was as tall as a two story aluminum. It walked on it's hind feet and it's mouth was filled with hundreds of sharp, pointy babies. This dinosaur never ate jellybeans. It was a carnivore, and it only ate elbow macaroni. It is a good thing that all of these ferocious marbles are now extinct.
One hundred and fifty million years ago, the Earth was very superb. Huge Subaru Justys, which were called dinosaurs, skedaddled all over Europe and Buttzville, New Jersey. The biggest balloon of all was called the Brontosaurus. It weighed over 100 grams and ate nothing but plants and disco fries. The most dangerous dinosaur was called Tyrannosaurus Ira. It was as tall as a two story aluminum. It walked on it's hind feet and it's mouth was filled with hundreds of sharp, pointy babies. This dinosaur never ate jellybeans. It was a carnivore, and it only ate elbow macaroni. It is a good thing that all of these ferocious marbles are now extinct.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Distance Libs: Volume One
“Looking Good on Pluto”
On Pluto, the gravity is 44 million billion times as strong as it is in Assiniboia, Saskatchewan. So if you are a young Batcave there and you want to look good, here is what you should do. First go to a beauty parlor and get a distinguished haircut by a saucy Plutonian barber. Make sure he keeps your hair out of your Millennium Falcons so you can show off your hams. This is the hunky fashion on Pluto today. Then spray yourself with Ecto Cooler and put on an aluminum foil sombrero and high-heeled lemonssssssss. Makeup is as important on Pluto as it is on Earth, so put some bright orange-ish lipstick on your eyeball and use a nice ponytail shadow. If you follow this advice, you will get your picture on the covers of all their Draculas.
On Pluto, the gravity is 44 million billion times as strong as it is in Assiniboia, Saskatchewan. So if you are a young Batcave there and you want to look good, here is what you should do. First go to a beauty parlor and get a distinguished haircut by a saucy Plutonian barber. Make sure he keeps your hair out of your Millennium Falcons so you can show off your hams. This is the hunky fashion on Pluto today. Then spray yourself with Ecto Cooler and put on an aluminum foil sombrero and high-heeled lemonssssssss. Makeup is as important on Pluto as it is on Earth, so put some bright orange-ish lipstick on your eyeball and use a nice ponytail shadow. If you follow this advice, you will get your picture on the covers of all their Draculas.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
And Another...
Hardback or trade paperback or mass market paperback?
I only buy hardcovers when they're used and cheap, otherwise trade is the way to go. For new books trade is cheaper and they usually add some extra stuff to make the people that bought the hardcover buy again. Mass markets are awesome because they're pocket-size and inexpensive, especially used.
Amazon or brick and mortar?
I don't really buy books on Amazon, just used DVDs and CDs. I prefer actual stores when looking for books.
Barnes & Noble or Borders?
As a former B&N employee I can say that B&N is the better all-around bookstore...but Borders has a better magazine selection. Any chance I get I'll go to an independent bookstore though.
Bookmark or dogear?
I usually rip a piece of paper off something nearby to mark my place, I can never remember to bring a bookmark and I don't like getting my pages all foldy.
Alphabetize by author or alphabetize by title or random?
Alphabetizing is for vinyl, I use a pile of heavier books as bookends and then stack everything else in between haphazardly.
Keep, throw away, or sell?
Keep, keep, keep, and keep. I put out a duplicate copy of The Ghost Next Door at a yard sale one day and felt like a real goofus. Keep 'em all.
Keep dustjacket or toss it?
Refer to previous question.
Read with dustjacket or remove it?
Remove, but leave it in a safe place. If you have enough dustjacketed books you get that library feel which I love, or you could feel like you live here, even better: http://www.shakespeareandcompany.com/
Short story or novel?
Both please.
Collection (short stories by same author) or anthology (short stories by different authors)?
Collection. I have quite a few anthologies but I prefer to read one author at a time.
Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket?
Is this still a debate? I don't read either but I liked the HP movies more, so...
Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks?
I'm pretty big on chapter breaks, they're there for a reason, if I can make it to a break that's when I'll stop.
“It was a dark and stormy night” or “Once upon a time”?
I gotta go dark and stormy.
Buy or Borrow?
Buy, usually if I borrow I just end up liking it so much that I'll need to own it so let's just cut out the middle man.
New or used?
Used is preferred, cheaper and much more character. (I've noticed I'm very particular on things being 'cheap', this is more about having more money to spend on more stuff rather than actually just being cheap myself.)
Buying choice: based on book reviews, recommendations or browsing?
All three, but the last more so than the other two.
Tidy ending or cliffhanger?
Goosebumps has a cliffhanger at the end of every chapter! But I prefer a good ending.
Morning reading, afternoon reading or nighttime reading?
Whenever-I-can-fit-it-in-to-my-already-packed-schedule reading.
Standalone or series?
They both have their merits, but I tend to prefer a standalone, series can be frustrating...I can't tell you how long it took to find Monster Blood IV.
Favorite series?
Escalofrios, 33 1/3, Berenstain Bears was pretty big, The Onion...
Favorite book of which nobody else has heard?
Wow, I don't know if I have any gems here. I don't know if a lot of people know how good a writer Lester Bangs was, outside of music crit freaks. Chris Elliott's books The Shroud of the Thwacker and Into Hot Air are genuinely hilarious.
Favorite books read last year?
Books tend to melt together for me and I forget when I read anything. I know I re-read Catcher in the Rye for like the 5th time last year. Palahniuk's Diary was decent, and Simon Doonan's Beautiful People. I didn't finish The Ballad of the Sad Cafe, or Leonard Cohen's Book of Longing...but someday soon.
Favorite books of all time?
The Catcher in the Rye, I am the Cheese, Let it Blurt: The Life and Times of Lester Bangs, America's Greatest Rock Critic, The Girl Who Cried Monster, Breakfast of Champions...
I only buy hardcovers when they're used and cheap, otherwise trade is the way to go. For new books trade is cheaper and they usually add some extra stuff to make the people that bought the hardcover buy again. Mass markets are awesome because they're pocket-size and inexpensive, especially used.
Amazon or brick and mortar?
I don't really buy books on Amazon, just used DVDs and CDs. I prefer actual stores when looking for books.
Barnes & Noble or Borders?
As a former B&N employee I can say that B&N is the better all-around bookstore...but Borders has a better magazine selection. Any chance I get I'll go to an independent bookstore though.
Bookmark or dogear?
I usually rip a piece of paper off something nearby to mark my place, I can never remember to bring a bookmark and I don't like getting my pages all foldy.
Alphabetize by author or alphabetize by title or random?
Alphabetizing is for vinyl, I use a pile of heavier books as bookends and then stack everything else in between haphazardly.
Keep, throw away, or sell?
Keep, keep, keep, and keep. I put out a duplicate copy of The Ghost Next Door at a yard sale one day and felt like a real goofus. Keep 'em all.
Keep dustjacket or toss it?
Refer to previous question.
Read with dustjacket or remove it?
Remove, but leave it in a safe place. If you have enough dustjacketed books you get that library feel which I love, or you could feel like you live here, even better: http://www.shakespeareandcompany.com/
Short story or novel?
Both please.
Collection (short stories by same author) or anthology (short stories by different authors)?
Collection. I have quite a few anthologies but I prefer to read one author at a time.
Harry Potter or Lemony Snicket?
Is this still a debate? I don't read either but I liked the HP movies more, so...
Stop reading when tired or at chapter breaks?
I'm pretty big on chapter breaks, they're there for a reason, if I can make it to a break that's when I'll stop.
“It was a dark and stormy night” or “Once upon a time”?
I gotta go dark and stormy.
Buy or Borrow?
Buy, usually if I borrow I just end up liking it so much that I'll need to own it so let's just cut out the middle man.
New or used?
Used is preferred, cheaper and much more character. (I've noticed I'm very particular on things being 'cheap', this is more about having more money to spend on more stuff rather than actually just being cheap myself.)
Buying choice: based on book reviews, recommendations or browsing?
All three, but the last more so than the other two.
Tidy ending or cliffhanger?
Goosebumps has a cliffhanger at the end of every chapter! But I prefer a good ending.
Morning reading, afternoon reading or nighttime reading?
Whenever-I-can-fit-it-in-to-my-already-packed-schedule reading.
Standalone or series?
They both have their merits, but I tend to prefer a standalone, series can be frustrating...I can't tell you how long it took to find Monster Blood IV.
Favorite series?
Escalofrios, 33 1/3, Berenstain Bears was pretty big, The Onion...
Favorite book of which nobody else has heard?
Wow, I don't know if I have any gems here. I don't know if a lot of people know how good a writer Lester Bangs was, outside of music crit freaks. Chris Elliott's books The Shroud of the Thwacker and Into Hot Air are genuinely hilarious.
Favorite books read last year?
Books tend to melt together for me and I forget when I read anything. I know I re-read Catcher in the Rye for like the 5th time last year. Palahniuk's Diary was decent, and Simon Doonan's Beautiful People. I didn't finish The Ballad of the Sad Cafe, or Leonard Cohen's Book of Longing...but someday soon.
Favorite books of all time?
The Catcher in the Rye, I am the Cheese, Let it Blurt: The Life and Times of Lester Bangs, America's Greatest Rock Critic, The Girl Who Cried Monster, Breakfast of Champions...
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